Twitch

 

How long does it take a child to articulate his suffering? Our boy was sitting down. He was intensely aware of his surroundings. No attention was paid to the textbook in front of him. He could hear the TV in the hall, but it was difficult to tell how much it captured their attentions. He listened for signs of movement; they were definitely seated. He considered a water trip to the kitchen. If he saw where they were seated he would know exactly how long they would take to get to his room. I don’t think it’s worth it, he thought. With silent movements he had perfected over a long period of practice, he retrieved his phone from the back of the cupboard and turned it on with his thumb on the speaker.

That was ten years ago. Today his phone was on the table, boldly announcing the receipt of several messages. Someone was coming upstairs, the footsteps told him who. He was intensely aware of his surroundings. What was in those surroundings? He felt the tension of everything that was unsaid. Most of which will always remain so. He opened the conversation as he had opened it before; in his mind. It went better in there.

 The urge to leave was strong. It has always been strong. But now, there was also means to leave. What were the things he hated most about himself? Would distance from here mean distance from them? They would travel with him. A tether, a nasty reminder, an anchor whose line gave only with an irrevocable extension of guilt. There was still room for tolerance, kindness, and grace. Maybe even love. But the ship had sailed, he felt, on proximity. There was little to be said about that, even less he was willing to say.

He thought about the unfeeling years. There was so much to chronicle. The sense of loss feels selfish. So does the urge to run. It always felt selfish. But he kept running. The tether tensed, it started hurting. He knew the damage would acquire a permanent character, it did not slow him down. Suffering does not make you a good person, it just makes you suffer, he remembered reading.

The notifications were incessant, he put the phone on silent. Now there was a conversation to navigate, to keep light, without setting off the volatile. Ten more years will pass. The phone might manifest differently. It did not matter. He would be intensely aware of his surroundings.