Midday

 

I look both ways and cross the road. It’s a hot day. Not unseasonably hot. But I am already looking forward to the aggressive air conditioning that will welcome me at my destination. There’s a police car coming from the opposite direction. It drives slowly. The sun is right overhead; it is oppressive, but consistent. Easy enough to get used to. My thoughts drift. I will be there in twenty minutes. What can I afford for lunch? It should not look like I have no money. But I do have no money.

I kick dust into the air. The gravel makes a pleasing sound. Is it pleasing? It is familiar, it is home. I don’t like that word. What is home? My old building was brought down by dynamite. Is this something you can mourn? There is another building up there now. No sign of the complex where I spent the first decade of my life. I feel a sense of foreboding; I am going to live the rest of my life so. I will leave nothing behind, I cannot take anything with me. There is not much room in my pockets, everything will have to fit in my head. It should be fine, there is a lot of room up there.

I am at the roundabout. Even cars are sparse at this time of day; walking is easy. I slow down; this train of thought needs to reach its conclusion before I meet people. What do they think about when they are alone? What troubles their sense of identity? I cannot be the only person bothered by this. I feel fat. I will lose weight one day. I know this. What else do I know about myself? Maybe this train of thought needs an emergency chain.

The mall is in sight. I will get there before my friends, I left earlier. Enough time to cool down and catch yourself. What will we talk about? I feel jealous of their clarity. Their sense of purpose. How does one acquire this? Why does full personhood feel unattainable? A familiar feelings revisits me; there is something incomplete about my being. Elevation Burger has a new menu, maybe the missing piece is in there. I think I have just enough money to buy one. I am no stranger to filling the stomach as if there’s a direct line to the heart. Something will change, but not today.

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