drifting

 

I type a few sentences and then delete everything. A few more sentences and then the same thing. I’ve been doing this for what fifteen minutes. Nothing of worth seems to come out right now. I get up and pour myself a glass of orange juice. Since I’m up anyway, I also get a snack. I don’t want to get my keyboard dirty. So while I snack, the reasonable thing to do is put a show on. I’ll put on Scrubs. I’ve seen it several times, I can watch it without it demanding my complete attention. It gets none of my attention; I am scrolling on twitter already. I should do laundry today. Is the gym open yet? I can never remember to ask if it opens at 4 or 5. It does not matter anyway, I should not go immediately after snacking. Let’s see what movies are on my watchlist. This one I just downloaded is 171 minutes. I am not ready for that kind of commitment. Should I pause the show? I’ve missed so many jokes. Let me go back a bit. This fan spins so quickly. It is loud outside. What should I make for dinner? Who’s going to be home for dinner?

I’m getting up again, toilet this time. I sit down and watch a whole episode. I check my phone now – 7 messages. What a rush I will get from replying to each one. There are also a few emails – not as juicy. Still, I open each one and reply to what needs replying. My legs are shaking. I stop them shaking. I’m drifting; I feel myself drift in real time. I let it happen for a second before pulling back. I need to get back to the paper and start writing again. I am at fewer than one hundred words. My legs are shaking again. I turn on the speaker and start playing music at a really low volume. No I don’t like that song, or the one after. Let me make a playlist right now, I can’t go on listening to music I don’t like. I know this is my own playlist. Should I get up to snack again? It’s 5, the gym is definitely open by now. Must be empty at this hour, I’ll be back soon.